The upwards swing I didn’t see coming.

Yesterday you saw me at one of my worst moments for a long time. I still managed to get outside and see my friend though, and actually, it was really great. I got myself some new things and I fell in love with a cafe in town that I will be going back to a lot when I’m on maternity leave.

Right now I’m sat in the sun at work with a can of cola and some haribo trying to relate to the person I was yesterday morning and can’t figure out how I got so bad so fast, or how I came back from it so fast either! I’m still shook by the emotional whiplash I encountered in the space of a few hours but I do ally settled it down to one feeling. The feeling that something is off. Something is wrong. And for the first time in a long time it’s not with me. The ex that I mentioned is where my worry lies right now. I know, I know, he’s an ex why should I care right? Wrong. My personal strain of bpd makes it hard for me to let go. Even when I was the one that broke it off I still care for him like I do almost all of my ex’s. There are only one or two that I don’t still feel and care for in one way or another but this one is fresh and new. I’m still fighting to be friends because I don’t want to loose him completely but damn is it hard to fight for that when you are completly cut off. 

On to better things. We have a Moses basket being paid for as a gift from my mother in law which I will refer to as mum most of the time. I also settled on a pram that doesn’t coast a grand and a half which is a bit of a weight off of my mind. Now I just need £100 to put down the deposit on it. Things are getting real real fast and damn it’s true, it’s going to be over before we know it. I’m still growing my little baby and in a couple weeks I’ll find out what it is! Yes yes don’t assume my gender and all that but while they are small and not able to make the decision themselves I will, like all parents, be calling them by their sex assigned at birth. We already have names for either and I can’t wait to know if I’m right or not. I want a baby girl more than anything. But, happy and healthy is all I truly care about. 

Right then, back to doing some actual work I go. May your up swings appear just as quickly as mine and hang about for a long time. 

Stay strong and stay safe, even when you are breaking down remember, it comes back around xx
Lea. X


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