Today, I lost a friend. 

Before I start I would like to put out a trigger warning on this post for alcohol and drug abuse plus suicide. Please do not read this if any of those subjects may trigger you I do not want to harm anyone while releasing my own pain. 

I haven’t known her very long, a couple years at most. She was, lost, just like us. Alcohol and both prescription and illegal drugs were big coping mechanisms for her, unhealthy yes but that was her deal. Today I got a message from our mutual friend, one of my best friends, saying it was important and bad and I said I’d call her as soon as I could as I was on my way to work. All the way to work I worried. Was it her dad? Was she being kicked out? Was it her health? All viable options but what she had to say never crossed my mind. Our friend had been found dead in her apartment yesterday morning. So far, that’s all I know, but we highly believe it was either overdose (accidental or otherwise) or just straight up suicide. I made this call at work, I am still at work. Thankfully there was another member of staff that I am fairly close with there with me for an hour so I had time to make the call and to word vomit my feelings out alittle before she left. I feel, currently, just numb, shocked and numb. This was of course not news I expected to hear today and it’s knocked me down a lot. Her boyfriend has been in touch as is coming up in a couple weeks to spend some time with us and hopefully attend the funeral. I am going to do my shifts until he comes up and call in to take time off for him and my friend and I to grieve together. 

Other than that I am lost and do not know what to do. All I know is she is gone and we must deal with it together. We will miss her and we will let it make us stronger together.

I want to let anyone who is or has been through this that I am here if you want to talk and that you can carry on after such a tragedy. 

Now more than ever, stay strong and hold your heads high.

Lea. x

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Today I want to talk about ‘family’. 

Last week I went to the hospital in the city to double check that my Marci only has one kidney. She does in fact only have one kidney but is otherwise completely healthy and will be more than okay with just one. 

On our way back from the hospital I finally made it public knowledge using the wonder that is Facebook to let people who did know, that she was okay, and to inform those that didn’t know what was going on. A few hours later after one hell of an afternoon (which I don’t want to go into) I start getting comments from my partners side saying they were annoyed and upset that they heard about it through Facebook. I calmly explained that there was no need to worry, that it was our choice who to tell and when and how we like, and that it was upsetting me that they were all taking it so personally. This lead to more and more horrid words being thrown my way so I spent that night crying into my pizza and wishing I hadn’t bothered telling anyone at all. 

What I want to talk about is this; 

Is it okay for family or friends to be so hurt over hearing something so insignificant over Facebook? Me and my partner are very strongly on the side of no. The fact that they were told at all (via Facebook or not) was our choice and we chose to share it that way. We see it as, our lives, our child, our choice. His mother and other family his side and all mine including friends are with us on this yet I still allowed those few who wanted to fight about it to get to me and make me feel bad about our choice. 

One of the main things I want to address is that things they have done/offered to buy were thrown in my face because they found out on Facebook not via … well probably Facebook messages seeing as unlike my friends they don’t call or stop by to ask if I’m okay. The fact that they were so upset about not hearing the news personally when they make no effort to be part of our lives was laughable and I wish in that moment I’d had the right frame of mind to say this to them. I however was stuck in a violent circle of hormone induced crying, bpd induced rage and disassociation. 

This day knocked me back a lot and I had to block them the next day for trying to turn it on my friends who were pouring in and sticking up for me. 

My final decision is that they will stay blocked and will hear nothing about our child until they choose to apologise tome for all the stress they put me through and all the vile things they said to me while they were acting like children. 

In this I’ve learnt that not everyone, even those who are meant to be family, have your best interests at heart. This is a lesson I thought I’d learnt years ago but it seems I had to learn it again. 

Until next time, stand strong and stand by your choices and convictions even if the whole world may appear to be against you. 

Lea. x

Today I feel better. 

Now despite the upcoming sleep shift at work I am very happy today. Last night and the night before was spent out on the street with the neighbors listening to music and dancing with the kids. I love them so much and nothing beats cuddles from them to make me feel better. I am on a small and cautious high today thanks to them. Like I’ve said many times before. It’s the little things ❤ 

Just a short one today but I’ll be back soon I promise. Till then, stay strong ❤ 
Lea. x

When it rains, it pours.

First of all I would like to apologize for not posting in a while, it’s been a hell of a time. 

This week alone I have had more bad days than good and very few upswings to speak of but the one I did get was amazing and I’d like to talk about that first. I went for my sexing scan last Friday, and I am very happy to announce a lovely baby girl. Marceline lydia-ann is growing perfectly and super happy in there. I cried when the technician told me she was a girl. Happy tears of course. Either way I would have been insanely happy but a baby girl is the dream and I’m finally going to be living it. We have had lots of new things already and many donations on the way that I am eternally thankful for as our financial situation has taken a hit these last few months. I have been asked on other platforms if there is anything I would like or need help paying for and I will make a post within the next few days here that I can link those asking to. I be no means expect anything but if you feel you want to or just like to buy cute baby clothes I will have an Amazon wishlist and my PayPal email listed so keep a lookout for that. 🙂 

Now, to the bad. Somehow I couldn’t carry the feeling from the scan over even into that night with me. I went from the scan, home to get my things and straight into a sleep at work. For the most part it was a steady easy and calm shift but my mood had dropped considerably from that morning and I was finding it difficult to focus. That is where it started. From there onwards it was very hard for me to pick my mood back up again. With a backlog of house chores I’d been ignoring that I continued to ignore till two days ago and the stress of not only having to care for those I support but also my dog and our two guinea pigs that have somehow managed to all get fleas and mites respectively at the same time I was feeling the pressure to crumble. Finally the beginning of this week added more to the pile with new ‘rules’ at work that where not checked before being signed off and have left most of us support workers very annoyed. What we are being asked to do is unsafe for both us and those we support and I am currently in the middle of fighting it as I and other staff can not and should not be expected to work like they are asking us to. 

So as you can see, I started already on a fairly low emotional stance and have been beaten down more by outside influences. It is now a full week after I saw my baby girl and I’m desperate to start it over again so I could maybe try and keep that feeling a bit longer. Thankfully, I get another chance to see my girl next week as she was curled in such a way that the technician couldn’t get a couple full measurements that she needed but assured me from what she could see that everything was fine. So next week I get my second chance to hold onto that feeling hopefully longer than a few hours this time. 

So yes, it’s been all in all, a bad few weeks; however I will continue to push, claw and fight my way through and I will make it out the other side. I always do and now I have my little Marci to help me through it too. 

That’s all for today but I’ll leave you with this,

No matter how hard it gets, find something, anything, no matter how small to hold onto and don’t let it go. Find it in your dark moments and hold it tight. Weather its staying around and present for your pets, or waiting for that new season of that show you love to come out, grab it, don’t let go and keep moving forward. You can do this, I promise.

Stay strong, and heads as high as you can hold them friends xx

Lea. x

This morning I got one hell of a mood boost.

Last night I did a sleep at work, I didn’t get to bed till 11pm and the rota starts again at 6am the next day. So I already started off on a bad foot with little sleep I was not feeling good. The ladies were for the first time lovely and helpful which was wonderful when I was already fairly low. I ate breakfast and felt sick instantly, it is a few hours later and I still can’t shift the feeling of illness. My mood has suffered greatly due to those things and I was on a pretty heavy low knowing I just had to get home and I could cuddle my dog and nap away the morning on the sofa. 

Here comes the good bit. As I was walking to the bus stop the beautician that comes to the bungalow to do treatments pulled up next to me to have a quick chat before she headed in to do the ladies nails. A few weeks ago I had mentioned this blog while she was there and she asked me to bookmark it on her phone so she could have a read and maybe pass it on to people she felt may benefit from reading it. I was glad to and then, as I do, promptly forgot I had given it to her. Well, she said she had read some and even introduced some people she knew to it which is amazing! Such a massive boost to know that she liked it enough to share it. 

So, my dearest Debbie, here’s to you, your tiny act of kindness that you probably thought was just something small completely turned my morning round! Yes, I will still be headed in straight for that sofa with my little dog for naps and cuddles but now I will do it with a smile on my face and a bounce in my step because of you.

It’s those little things guys! 

Until next time, keep moving forward and stay strong! 
Lea. X

Dying my hair and other ‘questionable’ choices while pregnant.

So, let me star this off with one of those damn disclaimer type things. First, it’s my body, my baby and therefore my choice. Second, I will not tolerate any hate towards me and my choices. If you disagree either leave, or feel free to have a calm and adult conversation with me in the comments. I will not hate you for having different views to me but I will hate you for shitting on my choices no matter what you think of them. 

I guess I will start with the title one. My hairis naturally dark brown. Since I was old enough to dye my hair I have died it black all over. From the age of 16 I started to put bright colours in with it. Now at 23 I still dye it all black and have one section at the front under my side fringe and blended skittle round to the side of my hair of bright colour. The last one was purple. I haven’t dyed it since I found out I was pregnant as I believed, as most women do, that I couldn’t for whatever reason. However as the colour faded and my roots grew ever longer I felt myself feeling more and more upset with my appearance when I looked in the mirror which is not only bad for my mental health but also for the baby as it is added stress no matter how small. I did a lot of research and the final decision I have come up with is 1) no salons due to the enclosed area full of not only the chemicals on my head but those who are also there too (which is fine cause I’ve done my hair myself since the first time) and 2) DO NOT PUT DYE ON THE SCALP! So I will be doing it myself in my own well ventilated home and I will be blending the roots in with my hair so the re growth won’t be as horrid and I can still dye my hair! I can still have my Slytherin green fringe!! 

Second I will talk about marijuana. Yes yes, controversial I know, especially since I am from England and it is illegal here. I have used marijuana since I was 14 at a guess.. I’m not entirely sure as that time was a mess in my head. I did abuse it for a good few years till I was around 19. Now I use it purely to level out my bpd when I have to. This hasn’t changed since then and hasn’t changed now I am pregnant. I know a lot of people will disagree with this choice but please take a moment to think about my unique situation. Stopping my self prescribed use of marijuana with my bpd fairing up more as it crosses paths with pregnancy hormones would make me hell to live with, even bad enough to push away the father of my child and a man I love dearly. It would also leave me under a lot of hellish levels of stress due to not having that one thing that regulates my bpd. It could also bring back my self harm and even eating disorder tendencies from years ago that I have also managed to keep under control with use of marijuana. All of these would obviously put massive strain on me, my body, my baby and those around me. I have, again, done my research and know what harm/good this could do to me and my baby. For me, and my partner who I included in this choice as it his child too, the tiny highly unlikely risks are heavily outweighed by my needs and the positives of me continuing this self medicating. 

And, I will leave it at that for tonight. I really do welcome adult and unjudging chats about what I have spoke about here but again, any comments made which are seen to be just plain rude/mean/hateful will be ignored and deleted. I am fair and will listen to your opinion as long as you are willing to talk about it like calm and objective adults. 
Goodnight and stay strong my friends.

Lea. X

The upwards swing I didn’t see coming.

Yesterday you saw me at one of my worst moments for a long time. I still managed to get outside and see my friend though, and actually, it was really great. I got myself some new things and I fell in love with a cafe in town that I will be going back to a lot when I’m on maternity leave.

Right now I’m sat in the sun at work with a can of cola and some haribo trying to relate to the person I was yesterday morning and can’t figure out how I got so bad so fast, or how I came back from it so fast either! I’m still shook by the emotional whiplash I encountered in the space of a few hours but I do ally settled it down to one feeling. The feeling that something is off. Something is wrong. And for the first time in a long time it’s not with me. The ex that I mentioned is where my worry lies right now. I know, I know, he’s an ex why should I care right? Wrong. My personal strain of bpd makes it hard for me to let go. Even when I was the one that broke it off I still care for him like I do almost all of my ex’s. There are only one or two that I don’t still feel and care for in one way or another but this one is fresh and new. I’m still fighting to be friends because I don’t want to loose him completely but damn is it hard to fight for that when you are completly cut off. 

On to better things. We have a Moses basket being paid for as a gift from my mother in law which I will refer to as mum most of the time. I also settled on a pram that doesn’t coast a grand and a half which is a bit of a weight off of my mind. Now I just need £100 to put down the deposit on it. Things are getting real real fast and damn it’s true, it’s going to be over before we know it. I’m still growing my little baby and in a couple weeks I’ll find out what it is! Yes yes don’t assume my gender and all that but while they are small and not able to make the decision themselves I will, like all parents, be calling them by their sex assigned at birth. We already have names for either and I can’t wait to know if I’m right or not. I want a baby girl more than anything. But, happy and healthy is all I truly care about. 

Right then, back to doing some actual work I go. May your up swings appear just as quickly as mine and hang about for a long time. 

Stay strong and stay safe, even when you are breaking down remember, it comes back around xx
Lea. X