My makeup looks too good to cry today…

Today was supposed to be a good day. Time in town with my best friend from secondary school to catch up and then show her my new house and chill with her cause we don’t get to very often. I will be meeting her in less than two hours and right now, I don’t want to leave the house.

A few days ago I mentioned hearing form an ex of mine. I was so happy. I owe him so much, and I was willing to answer anything he threw at me. He changed him mind about asking me anything at all. A few days later I notice his posts are missing on my facebook. Then I notice his posts are missing from my tumblr dash. I’m blocked on both. Now, facebooks blocking system is pretty tight so I can’t see anything, can’t even serach his name to see his profile photo, but tumblr… it could do with some work on it’s blocking. I found a post he’d written.

I don’t want to post exactly what it says but he clearly states he’s blocked ‘all means of contact with ‘the past’ ‘ – yeah thats me. He also says he knows ‘it’s a sucky thing to do’ – which to be honest, it’s way more than just sucky! I know him, this… this is really cold even for him. I’m so worried but I can’t even  message him besides the fact that he wouldn’t listen to me even if I could.

So, yeah… now I’m sat here in my house fully dressed and ready to go and I can’t breathe right cause I don’t know how to handle what is happening right now. I’m still going to town. I refuse to let this get to me enough to cancel on my friend but damn… this may be the begging of a fun downward spiral that I can document here for you all and hopefully show how i beat it and climb back up again.

Until then, I’m going to go get my phone from my best friends house where I left it yesterday and try not to cry.

Stay strong, it’s a cold ass world out there friends.. ❤

Lea. x

 

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Staying above water when you feel like drowning.

my emotions today are for sure on a downward spiral. I woke up this morning not wanting to face the day at all. Couldn’t even bring myself to eat breakfast (mostly because it’s pay day tomorrow and we have very little in) even though I know I need it. I don’t know what set this one off, like most times I go downhill, it just happens. Despite all of this I pulled on a respectable outfit, grabbed my leftovers for dinner out the fridge and made for the door. Before I left I had a good cuddle with my dog that tends to make me feel better but today only made me feel guilty that I have to leave him alone only two days after he got hit by a car. He didn’t even bark when I left which hit me really hard. Hopefully I can escape early today and get back to him. 

Speaking of the dog, he was completely back to his normal self by yesterday afternoon which was reassuring. His cuts and grazes are healing perfectly. The one on his chin is causing him a little discomfort but that’s to be expected as it is somewhere that is constantly used, and getting dirty and wet from him eating and drinking but I keep it as clean as I can and it is healing. It’s just really hard to think about because he is my life. My self taught therapy dog. He keeps me alive tbh without him I’d find it really hard if not impossible to keep on top of my bpd. Thankfully all seems well I just hate being away from him on a normal day nevermind after something like that. 

Now, on to how I’m actually dealing with these issues and staying above water when all I want to do is drown. Its not easy, far from it. A lot of the time I try to give myself the little time I can to fall and cry to get some of it out. Today I didn’t even have time for that. So today was a focus on the things I coukd do. I could make sure my pup was comfortable with and water down  so he can get to it if he wants to. I have to go to work because I have a baby coming and need the job and the money so I focus on that and keep moving. Yeah I know, most of my coping is push it back till I can deal with it which is a bad habit but it is the only way I can stay level in my life and head. I make sure that I set apart time to re visit and sort out the mess I have pushed back so as to not end up overwhelmed by too much at once.  

Now I am at work. Its been a hell of a day and its only gonna get worse the longer it goes. I checked the rota and the lady that takes me off is wonderful and should hopefully let me out early when I tell her why I look like trash. Fingers crossed for me guys and gals and nonbinary pals… (shamelessly stealing from Thomas sanders now..) 

Stay strong everyone and keep treadig that water. Don’t fit the tide just stay above the water. You can do this.

Lea. X

Late post is late because my dog got in a fight with a taxi.

well what a day. Seems catching a break is not on the cards for me for a while. Before I get into it just know my baby pup is all okay and so are we he’s just a little scraped up and we were a little shaken but now much calmer. 

It was mostly my fault, he is never on the lead cause he behaves much better off of it, I told him to cross at the same time as the taxi sped up which means instead of missing him it hit him pretty square on. He bounced and skidded and all way and immediately stood and trotted off towards home so I knew he was mostly okay. I checked him over, took him home and cleaned his wounds. Me and the boyfriend are watching him closely for any signs of internal issues but he is walking, eating and drinking with no issues so far other than a little stiff and unwilling to go faster than a little jog. Very cuddly which is to be expected cause he went through a lot today. 

Now, how I handled it? Pretty well. Better than the boyfriend did that’s for sure. I put a lot of how calm and collected I was down to being taught first aid and the art of keeping level under pressure from a young age. I really do recommend doing first aid training/courses if you can. Mostly because it is always good to know and has saved me and a number of people and animals I know a good few times. An added bonus is how well it can teach you to remain calm until you are safe to release those emotions. Which has saved me countless times. I can not begin to describe the feelings and visions that flashed through me as he made contact with that car today but I know without that training in me I’d have lost it there and then on the road. So, bpd? Get training with first aid. It is priceless knowledge trust me.
Such a short post today but as you can probably assume I am out of it! 

Until next time stay safe, and look both ways before crossing. 
Lea.x

Please don’t mess me around…

Today has been wonderful. Lovely and sunny, I got up at a good time. I’ve eaten good food that baby agreed with. I had good cuddles with my dog. I even had a good chill and chat with the people I work with in the sun when I got to work. 

But, I had a message from someone when I woke up this morning in on tumblr. This person is my most recent ex. It’s been really hard for me since he left because even though I was the one who asked him to go I still feel connected to him. I still worry about him and I still want to talk to him. I gave him the space to clear his head just let him know I was always there for him. And then I left him alone till he felt like speaking. I may have sent one small message when I saw that he had lost his dad as I know how he would have felt about that. He never replied. But I woke up to a message. A fairly long message. I replied. Maybe I replied too much and scared him off again cause he’s been online since then and not replied yet… 

So, off went my bpd. Super crazy inside my head again now. All I want to do is message him repeatedly till he replies again but i doubt he will if he hasn’t yet.. I dont know.. I just want to talk to him see if he’s okay. Hopefully he will reply tonight, I know him well enough – I think – to know he will probably not even bring himself to read my messages till he gets into his night mood. 

If by some crazy chance you are reading this please let me know you are okay and just give me enough respect to tell me if you changed your mind and don’t want to talk anymore again. I wont hold it against you. I just dont know what to do while I’m stuck in the middle like this…
Anyway, I’m at work so I better go and do my job… 

Stay strong till next time.

Lea. X

Yesterday I didn’t post..

Already I have managed to break my streak and miss a day! I’m a little mad at myself but no harm done I just have to get back to it and not let a missed day stop me. So today there may well be two!? Crazy I know! 

Yesterday I saw my midwife. Everything is perfect and I’m proud to say the little bean is growing strong in there! Then I walked in the sun with my best friend and my doggo and went back to hers to chill before getting the bus home cause I was way too lazy to walk back after all the walking and sun that had already happened that day. 

It is now the morning after. I did just get up for a pee then I was going to sleep more because I’m not in work till three today but I had a message on my tumblr that jolted me the fuck awake and now I can’t get back to sleep. Oh and don’t worry, it wasn’t bad. My bpd just doesn’t know how to respond till I get a response from my reply and it is going a little crazy in here. I’ll be fine.

Time for breakfast and going for a message back. 

See you all soon and always keep yourself moving, even if it’s just tiny bits.

Lea. X

Holding down a demanding job with BPD

Today, was a bad day.

Okay let me start from the top. I am a support worker for adults with learning disabilities. Our main aim is to allow them to live lives as close to ‘normal’ as possible. I can’t tell you much due to confidentiality laws and such but it’s a mentally and emotionally draining job. This may seem like a bad choice for someone with BPD as I already have emotionally draining days pretty much everyday just by default, however I feel it helps me to section off my life and control the change between work and home.

Now, back to today. Today, for me, started with a phone call from my work. The lady that was on the night shift called me at 7am. After my sleepy ‘hello?’ she began profusely apologizing for waking me up while I tried to assure it was fine (it was not, I was up most of the night calming my best friend who had lost family at the Manchester bombing) and trying to get her to tell me what was happening. I finally got out of her that one of the ladies we support had had a mini stroke during the night and needed to be in hospital by half nine today. She asked if I could come in for 9 instead of 10 which I said I would and put the phone down, dragged my ass out of bed and into town to buy snack supplies in case I was stuck at the hospital all day. As luck would have it another member of staff who lives closer beat me to the bungalow and took her to the hospital instead which I was both happy and sad about. Happy, because I did not want to be in a hospital in my current baby incubating state as that is how I got ill a few weeks ago. Sad, because I kind of wanted to make sure that she was okay. I did get to take one of the other ladies out to town and walk around in the sun for a while which was nice and much better than a hospital that is for sure!

It wasn’t just the early morning on little sleep or the fact that one of the ladies were ill. It was another member of staff that came in later on and just caused hell. Again due to confidentiality I can’t tell you too much, just know she is already not well liked with the other staff and has now turned her sights on me. She constantly over rules, undermines and talks over me like I know nothing, and well yes I’m sure to a woman in her 50s that has worked in this sector for many years I am a newbie, 23 year old, nothing. I have only ever worked shops and bars and now suddenly I am in care work which is completely different to what I am used to but I know what I have been trained to know and I am certainly not as stupid as she seems to think I am. None of this though should mean that I am treated like she treats me. Thankfully my boss called after she had left later on with the last of the three sisters that we support and I let loose! I told my boss everything she had done that day and hopefully her file of complaints about this one member of staff will now be getting to be big for her to ignore and she may get fired….

Hey, I can dream!

So I have just come home and sat down to write this so I could clear my head and get that clear line between work and home again. For such a bad day I did really well. No splitting, no disassociation, no, well anything really. I was clam most of the day and currently feel very tired  but otherwise a fair amount less drained than I would on a normal day which is a damn blessing but also proof that no matter what ‘is wrong with you’ if you want the thing bad enough, you can do the thing. At least I can, at this stage in my life. A few years ago just the call this morning would have sent me in a spiral that would have lasted days if not weeks. So maybe I misspoke. You can do what you want if you first take the time to build on your own self before jumping into such a demanding thing as a job like this. Learn to walk before you run and all that.

Now i must go as my noodles and meatballs are getting cold and there is breaking bad to watch. (I’ve already seen it all like three times but my boyfriend has not so we are watching it together, so far I’m enjoying his reactions more than the show and that’s saying something.)

Keep moving forwards, baby steps and try to remember, it DOES get better, as long as you try to do just a little each day.

Lea. x

Tragedy in Manchester 

Last night when I went to bed my tablet wasn’t working so I didn’t get the news till I got up at 5am (pregnancy wouldn’t let me sleep again after my boyfriends alarm woke me up). A Facebook full of posts about the chaos in Manchester right now. A tumblr dash full of helplines and #missinginmanchester. I started off just fine as I was getting my information directly from the person I was instantly the most worried about as I knew she was at the concert. Then the more I tried to stay away from it the more it seemed to find me. My best friend called as she had lost someone she knew, checking the ‘mark as safe’ on Facebook was the worst idea as the people who hadn’t said they were safe yet are the ones likely to have been there.

I am now at work and will be till 6pm. After such a rough start to the day my BPD and pregnancy hormones are working double time spinning around in my head. I have a head ache and baby really doesn’t like the chaos inside me right now and won’t sit still! Thankfully I have a relatively forgiving job for days like this. I am a support worker for adults with learning difficulties and today they are thankfully calm and mostly going about their own business without much interest in me. However I can’t do what my body is screaming for right now which is hide under a pile of blankets with my dog and cry then sleep to escape the wild emotions right now. 

Now, away from me right now for just a moment, I sincerely hope those who were hurt recover well and quickly, I hope those who are lost find their way home, I hope those who were there and made it out one day find the strength to let it go, and lastly I send my love to those who have lost loved ones in this horrid attack. May you find strength and love in those around you and don’t let this consume you. Such a vile and unnecessary tragedy that will stay with me for a long time but will stay with others for the rest of their lives..
So now I must go and actually do my job, and eat something cause I can feel my blood sugar levels dropping. Stay safe out there.

Lea. X