Today I want to talk about ‘family’.

Last week I went to the hospital in the city to double check that my Marci only has one kidney. She does in fact only have one kidney but is otherwise completely healthy and will be more than okay with just one. 

On our way back from the hospital I finally made it public knowledge using the wonder that is Facebook to let people who did know, that she was okay, and to inform those that didn’t know what was going on. A few hours later after one hell of an afternoon (which I don’t want to go into) I start getting comments from my partners side saying they were annoyed and upset that they heard about it through Facebook. I calmly explained that there was no need to worry, that it was our choice who to tell and when and how we like, and that it was upsetting me that they were all taking it so personally. This lead to more and more horrid words being thrown my way so I spent that night crying into my pizza and wishing I hadn’t bothered telling anyone at all. 

What I want to talk about is this; 

Is it okay for family or friends to be so hurt over hearing something so insignificant over Facebook? Me and my partner are very strongly on the side of no. The fact that they were told at all (via Facebook or not) was our choice and we chose to share it that way. We see it as, our lives, our child, our choice. His mother and other family his side and all mine including friends are with us on this yet I still allowed those few who wanted to fight about it to get to me and make me feel bad about our choice. 

One of the main things I want to address is that things they have done/offered to buy were thrown in my face because they found out on Facebook not via … well probably Facebook messages seeing as unlike my friends they don’t call or stop by to ask if I’m okay. The fact that they were so upset about not hearing the news personally when they make no effort to be part of our lives was laughable and I wish in that moment I’d had the right frame of mind to say this to them. I however was stuck in a violent circle of hormone induced crying, bpd induced rage and disassociation. 

This day knocked me back a lot and I had to block them the next day for trying to turn it on my friends who were pouring in and sticking up for me. 

My final decision is that they will stay blocked and will hear nothing about our child until they choose to apologise tome for all the stress they put me through and all the vile things they said to me while they were acting like children. 

In this I’ve learnt that not everyone, even those who are meant to be family, have your best interests at heart. This is a lesson I thought I’d learnt years ago but it seems I had to learn it again. 

Until next time, stand strong and stand by your choices and convictions even if the whole world may appear to be against you. 

Lea. x

My makeup looks too good to cry today…

Today was supposed to be a good day. Time in town with my best friend from secondary school to catch up and then show her my new house and chill with her cause we don’t get to very often. I will be meeting her in less than two hours and right now, I don’t want to leave the house.

A few days ago I mentioned hearing form an ex of mine. I was so happy. I owe him so much, and I was willing to answer anything he threw at me. He changed him mind about asking me anything at all. A few days later I notice his posts are missing on my facebook. Then I notice his posts are missing from my tumblr dash. I’m blocked on both. Now, facebooks blocking system is pretty tight so I can’t see anything, can’t even serach his name to see his profile photo, but tumblr… it could do with some work on it’s blocking. I found a post he’d written.

I don’t want to post exactly what it says but he clearly states he’s blocked ‘all means of contact with ‘the past’ ‘ – yeah thats me. He also says he knows ‘it’s a sucky thing to do’ – which to be honest, it’s way more than just sucky! I know him, this… this is really cold even for him. I’m so worried but I can’t even  message him besides the fact that he wouldn’t listen to me even if I could.

So, yeah… now I’m sat here in my house fully dressed and ready to go and I can’t breathe right cause I don’t know how to handle what is happening right now. I’m still going to town. I refuse to let this get to me enough to cancel on my friend but damn… this may be the begging of a fun downward spiral that I can document here for you all and hopefully show how i beat it and climb back up again.

Until then, I’m going to go get my phone from my best friends house where I left it yesterday and try not to cry.

Stay strong, it’s a cold ass world out there friends.. ❤

Lea. x

 

Staying above water when you feel like drowning.

my emotions today are for sure on a downward spiral. I woke up this morning not wanting to face the day at all. Couldn’t even bring myself to eat breakfast (mostly because it’s pay day tomorrow and we have very little in) even though I know I need it. I don’t know what set this one off, like most times I go downhill, it just happens. Despite all of this I pulled on a respectable outfit, grabbed my leftovers for dinner out the fridge and made for the door. Before I left I had a good cuddle with my dog that tends to make me feel better but today only made me feel guilty that I have to leave him alone only two days after he got hit by a car. He didn’t even bark when I left which hit me really hard. Hopefully I can escape early today and get back to him. 

Speaking of the dog, he was completely back to his normal self by yesterday afternoon which was reassuring. His cuts and grazes are healing perfectly. The one on his chin is causing him a little discomfort but that’s to be expected as it is somewhere that is constantly used, and getting dirty and wet from him eating and drinking but I keep it as clean as I can and it is healing. It’s just really hard to think about because he is my life. My self taught therapy dog. He keeps me alive tbh without him I’d find it really hard if not impossible to keep on top of my bpd. Thankfully all seems well I just hate being away from him on a normal day nevermind after something like that. 

Now, on to how I’m actually dealing with these issues and staying above water when all I want to do is drown. Its not easy, far from it. A lot of the time I try to give myself the little time I can to fall and cry to get some of it out. Today I didn’t even have time for that. So today was a focus on the things I coukd do. I could make sure my pup was comfortable with and water down  so he can get to it if he wants to. I have to go to work because I have a baby coming and need the job and the money so I focus on that and keep moving. Yeah I know, most of my coping is push it back till I can deal with it which is a bad habit but it is the only way I can stay level in my life and head. I make sure that I set apart time to re visit and sort out the mess I have pushed back so as to not end up overwhelmed by too much at once.  

Now I am at work. Its been a hell of a day and its only gonna get worse the longer it goes. I checked the rota and the lady that takes me off is wonderful and should hopefully let me out early when I tell her why I look like trash. Fingers crossed for me guys and gals and nonbinary pals… (shamelessly stealing from Thomas sanders now..) 

Stay strong everyone and keep treadig that water. Don’t fit the tide just stay above the water. You can do this.

Lea. X